Locked
by Eliptical
Summary: The Twilight characters somehow get locked in a room with the characters from The Immortals series. Complete and total parody - supposed to be funny. Normal pairings. Twilight x the Immortals x a bit of Hunger Games mixed in. LOL Katniss


******DO NOT TAKE THIS STORY SERIOUSLY. COMPLETE PARODY AND REALLY DUMB*******

**SPOILERS FOR LATER BOOKS. **

**Disclaimer: Everything publicly recognized belongs to its rightful owner. I only own the idea. **

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Bella, Edward, Renesmee, Alice, and the other vampires, Jacob, and Seth (**Only `cause he's awesome**) all filed into a dark room. None of them knew where they were, or how they got there. The vampires and werewolves all sensed something strange was going to happen. Yes, very strange. The other people in this room - well, they didn't smell like regular humans. More... _sweet, _like they had bathed in sugar. There were other things, too.

For one, Edward couldn't read their minds. Alice couldn't see their future. They were all too... perfect looking, too.

And these other people who happened to be summoned into this small, dark room - who happen to be _immortals, _as you may have guessed, sensed something was wrong, too. These strangers were like rogues, but somehow... different. They could read all of their minds, for one.

"STOP READING MY MIND!" one with bronze hair, _Edward, _said, waving his arms around in the air like a chicken.

"YOU STOP READING _MY _MIND!" a blond girl, _Ever, _screeched, for some reason biting a boy next to her with long, dark, wavy hair. _Damen_

Yes, it was true. Edward was reading Ever's mind who was reading Edward's mind who happened to be reading Ever's... and you get the picture.

Bella, - the immortals can't read her mind, unlike the others, - picked up a huge potted plant from behind her, somehow being able to carry it despite her small-ish size and thin arms, and flung it at Ever.

"DON'T READ MY HUSBAND'S MIND!" she screamed, and Ever didn't have time to dodge it. It slammed into her head, pieces of pottery flying everywhere, and when she started bleeding, well let's just say you wouldn't want to be her.

"DAMEN! HELP!" she cried as the vampires attempted to devour her.

A second later, Damen got all the (other) immortals across the room, hissing at him with their pitch-black eyes. None of them had eaten anything before they had come.

Suddenly, a strange, loud, POOF along with a huge puff of orange smoke appeared. **(sound familiar? *cough* fruits basket, *cough*) **once the mist dissipated, there stood a crazy-looking woman with orange everything. Even her teeth were orange. No one could read her mind, either. Not because she had a shield or anything, it was because her thoughts went a little something like this;

_lalalalala... SQUIRREL!_

_lalalalala he-he... purple..._

_REMEMBER TO BREATH!_

_in...out...in...SEVENTEEN!_

And no one wanted that in their brain.

"WELCOME!" she cried, in a high-pitched, clipped-accent. "HAPPY HAPPY HUNGER GAMES! AND MAY THE ODDS-" She then glanced around, realizing where she was. The orange woman bonked herself on the head with her orange skin. "Oh right. Wrong place!" She giggled in her creepy voice. "ANYHOO, Um, I'm going to ask you some questions, and you are going to fight to answer them!"

"Oh, god." Emmet whispered to his siblings and werewolves, "This is just like the summer of `82" Everyone shuddered. You do _not _want to hear of that summer. Not at all.

"Why do we have to fight?" Seth asked, confused. The woman rolled her eyes as if it was supposed to be obvious.

"You'll see!"

"How did we even get here?" Renesmee asked in an adorably confused voice.

The woman smiled, her colorful teeth gleaming in the dim light. "Well, Renesmee Cullen, that's for me to know, and me to know. Oh wait, I said that wrong! PS, if you don't cooperate, I'll kill you all or we'll have a sing a long"

The woman got a glazed look in her eye as she went into flashback mode, and everyone shuddered; you didn't have to be a mind reader to know that you should listen to her demands.

Jacob rolled his eyes. "Just get on with it!" he groaned. OL (short for Orange Lady, and Old Lady), nodded eagerly, and then patted herself, looking for her cards. Roman sighed and manifested new ones for her.

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!" he shouted in his accent. Damen smacked him upside the head.

OL scowled at him, before fluffing up her feathers (literally) and clearing her throat, before reading the first question.

"Are love triangles complicated? How about double-love triangles?"

No one in the Twilight category knew what she was talking about. Ever spoke up. "NO. IT'S PRETTY FREAKING AWESOME" Damen looked hurt at her remark. "At least _our _love triangle has some diversity" Edward spat, fluffing up his hair like a beauty queen, aka, Rosalie. "_All _immortals? PLEASE."

Jacob looked at Edward in awe. "I LOVE YOU TOO, EDDIE!"

Edward looked at him, sort of fearfully. "I didn't say that."

Jacob suddenly looked grave, "Yes. But I could tell you were thinking it." he said with wide eyes.

"...Yeahhh..." OL said, sort of uncomfortably.

"Next question!" she said happily, after a few minutes of (awkward) silence.

"Okay, here are your similarities" She said, smiling brightly at the looks she was getting.

"One, you all drink red-stuff"

"I don't!" Jude piped up.

"Shut up, Goldilocks" Roman snapped, making Jude look hurt and stroke his perfect dreadlocks.

"Don't be hatin' cause you aint me!" Jude said, all pouty-lipped and finger-snapping, "Oh wait. That came out wrong."

OL looked at them as if asking, _You weirdos done yet?_

"Um... Okay, anyway, the immortals and the werewolves both heal fast."

Jasper looked hopeful. "REALLY?" he asked, his black eyes seemed to get darker. He launched himself at Jude, ignoring the shouts of protest as he bit into the mortal's neck and shoulders, sucking him dry. Only when he finished did he realize that everyone was silent.

"JASPER!" Edward shouted.

"Wha?" Jasper asked, still trying to get last bits of blood.

"THAT ONE WASN'T IMMORTAL!"

Jasper glanced down at his kill, only then feeling the tension of the room weigh heavily on his shoulders. "Oops"

"YEAH!" Roman cheered, doing some strange rain dance that made him look constipated. "SERVES THAT SUCKAH RIGHT FOR KILLING ME!"

"Um...He killed you?" Seth asked, scratching his head in confusion, "how does that make sense?"

Suddenly he felt cold and jumped a foot in the air when he heard a ghostly voice behind him. "It doesn't. Muahaha" he climbed down from where he was wrapped in Alice's arms to see the ghostly child floating above him.

"RILEY!" Ever shouted, throwing herself at the ghost to try and hug her.

"I'M NOT RILEY YOU IDIOT!" Prim yelled as Ever easily flew through her and crashed into a wall. Suddenly there was another crash and everyone turned to see a band of newborn vampires, the dead ones, all smiling like more constipated people. "YAY FOR THE DEAD!" and then broke out into a Thriller flash mob.

OL set off a blow horn, making everyone except Jasper, who was still snacking on Jude, look up at her.

"NEXT," she said loudly, "another similarity is that you can read minds, and your all dead!" she said very cheerfully.

Jacob started screaming and running yelling, "OMG THEY'RE ALL GHOSTS! STUPID OUIJI BOARD! BELLA HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"

Bella looked at Jacob in one of those, _Are you serious_? looks. "Jacob, you know there are actually ghosts in here and have been standing behind you for like, ten minutes, right?"

Jacob stared at her a moment before setting off to another screaming fit. OL actually had to tape him down to get him to shut the hell up.

"You're all beautiful" OL said, pausing to let this sink in and Haven to suddenly speak up, fluff up her glossy hair, and pronounce, "I'm prettier", then Rosalie's eyes turn bright red, let out an eardrum piercing scream before attacking Haven, accidently punching her weak chackra and reducing her to a pile of dust. There was a pause while everyone stared, and Rosalie jumped up at vampire speed and cried, "YES I'M PRETTIER" and run out of the room, through a brick wall and several layers of reinforced steel, out to the daylight. Someone quickly manifested a new wall.

". . . . . . . ."

"Moving on," OL said, "You're all fast"

No one said anything, so she continued, "Um, a difference is that the Twilight-ees can, uh, swap spit and you can't, Damen and Ever."

Damen glanced at her. "Yep. We can see that." OL frowned at him, then turned to where everyone was staring at Edward and Bella making out in the corner. "INAPPROPRIATE!" OL screamed, waving a magick athame no one noticed she had, casting a spell on Edward and Bella. They went back to kissing, but every time their lips touched, there was a slight _zap _sound, followed by an "ow", so no one could concentrate when all they could hear was;

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

"*smooch* _zap '_ow'"

So no one could really hear anything besides that. That is, until, OL said, "And another difference is-" she frowned at the vampires in the corner, still smooch, zap, ow-ing, before lifting the spell and letting the couple make out in peace.

"ANYHOW, another difference is you have dogs, and you have a cat" she said, referring to the correct books. "EXCUSE me?!" Jacob said, suddenly dressed in a sassy-lady dress, wagglin his finger around, "you did NOT just call me a dog, you bi-"

OL smacked him. Good.

Then, a tiny kitten appeared in Ever's lap, and Jacob transformed and began chasing it around the room, howling with foam coming out of his mouth, pausing only to lick peanut butter off the spoon OL was holding.

"KATS RULE!" Someone with a long, dark braid screamed from somewhere in the sky, before a shower of arrows came raining down, followed by a, "KATNISS! PUT THE CROSSBOW DOWN!"

A few minutes, later, there was a screaming match between a human Jacob and Ever.

"DOGS ARE AWESOME!"

"WE GOT CATS AND TWINS"

"WE GOT A HYBRID"

"HYBRIDS ARE CREEPY"

"OH, I THINK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF"

"LOL"

...After a few days, OL got so pissed off at the lot of them she kicked them all out. After a few hisses and barks (from the vampires) and a few bad words, (from the immortals,) the two groups of mythical creatures went their separate ways.

And that's why the Cullen's shudder at the mention of the summer of '12.

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**My first crossover :) Please review!**


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